As a doula, one of my priorities is ensuring that mother and partner are fully aware of the choices available to them during pregnancy and labour. Everything from location and support people to positions and preparation. Informed choice is a must!
But, 'the best-laid plans o' mice an' men; oft go awry.' Life can most definitely be a fickle bitch, being both bountiful and generous, as well as dark and thieving. Often, when a birth doesn't go according to plan, it's possible that mama and/or partner will feel cheated, hurt, sad, angry or any combination of. I will stress this fact; YOU ARE NORMAL. Listed below are seven steps to consider while navigating this sensitive time. BE REAL This means being real with yourself, and others, about your true feelings. Yes, your baby arrived safely and their health is the overall important outcome, but bottling up any feelings of discontent, disappointment, anger etc, will only lead to larger problems down the line. By allowing self-reflection and putting your emotions and needs into words or actions, you allow yourself to progress, and you allow those around you to offer support and love in a way that best helps you. SHARE YOUR BIRTH STORY Talk to a trusted person in your life. Vent to a friend, relative, care provider. Allow yourself the freedom to remember details, explore how you felt and what you thought at different labour stages. Write, paint, draw, sing... Do what feels right to you. Studies have shown that by allowing yourself to recollect, review, and explain your experience, you enable yourself to better move past and lessen any feelings of anger, guilt or dissatisfaction. NO BLAME / NO SHAME Society and sanctimommies seem to place a lot of emphasis on what defines a "good" birth these days. And that's not counting the pressure of expectations we place upon ourselves. It's normal to feel disappointment or guilt at not being able to birth as you'd envisioned. But please, even if you don't feel it at first, know and repeat in your mind and heart, that there is no fault to be found. Sometimes life just goes sideways, and as much as we wish it weren't so, we're forced to acommodate or adjust. Lean on your birth supports, trust in your care provider, and most importantly, be gentle and love yourself. LOOK FOR THE SILVER LINING Almost every time a birth plan doesn't go accordingly, there's something that does go right. Focus your attention on the positive. Yes, you had a c-section, but immediate skin-to-skin was possible, and baby was able to begin breastfeeding and had a great latch. Yes, you consented to pain medications, but you also persevered through 27 hours of difficult labour and felt you needed rest - and that is more than okay. Yes, you ended up birthing at a hospital rather than home, but you still had your partner, doula and midwife at your side. Allowing yourself to look for and acknowledge all the beautiful things that went right, also helps you to reframe this experience from negative to positive. Always find the light. DO WHAT YOU NEED FOR YOU Be gentle and love yourself. Take long baths. Soak up baby snuggles. Spend the day in bed with baby and partner. Enjoy time with family. Do what you need to allow yourself to process and accept your birth. It's okay to say you don't want to talk about it. It's also okay to share your disappointment and regret. You can laugh, cry, scream or shout. You can just breathe. And most importantly, it's okay to let it go and move forward with love, when you're ready. ONLINE PEER SUPPORT Social media is an amazing tool. You can find a variety of informational and support groups right from the comfort of your spit-up stained pj's. Join a group just for moms. Connect with other parents who've experienced the same or similar events that you have. Or even just to vent. It's extremely easy, particularly in the early days after birth, to isolate. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for support, love or guidance as needed, and online groups are one way to discover that connectivity, compassion and care. KNOW WHEN TO SEEK A PROFESSIONAL Approximately 1 in 10 women will experience postpartum depression. Although a disappointing birth doesn't guarantee depression, unresolved emotions related to the birth could certainly contribute. If you or your partner have concerns, please do not hesitate to speak with your OBGYN or midwife. There are a number of wonderful supports to assist women experiencing PPD, as well as their partners. And lastly, if you felt unsupported during your pregnancy and/or labour, and didn't hire one previously, please consider researching and hiring a professional doula. Overall, women who receive continuous support are more likely to have spontaneous vaginal births and less likely to have any pain medication, epidurals, negative feelings about childbirth, vacuum or forceps-assisted births, and C-sections. A doula is an amazing asset for you and your partner. Love yourself and be gentle rebel mamas.
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AuthorRebel Mama. Free Spirit. Vulgar Dame. Adventurer. Wolf Queen. Outlaw. Archives
October 2016
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